The excuse is a bit insidious, deceptive, cunning and omnipresent. In the quest for personal and professional success and happiness, it stalls more progress than almost anything else, and yet we all tend to give it tremendous power. An excuse can hide in plain sight without being noticed at all. It lies and hides the truth. Its size is relative, but often irrelevant. And it can fool us, though rarely anyone else.
So what is an excuse for? It’s simply a mechanism that gives us permission to avoid change, usually out of fear of some perceived risk. As a corollary, it also lets us defy and reject someone telling us what to do, which usually leads back to the same avoidance of change.
Why do we make excuses?
We make excuses to avoid change and the fear that comes with it. An excuse gives you permission to skip the risky thing (the hard conversation, the presentation, the effort) without having to admit the real reason. The brain tends to resist and even fear change, and an excuse disguises that resistance as circumstance, so it blends into daily life looking completely natural.
That’s why the first step in reducing an excuse’s influence is becoming aware of when and how it occurs. Excuses can be unconscious decisions or indecisions on small matters that avoid effort and change, or deliberate and elaborate ways to steer the outcome of higher-stakes situations. Either way, they’re equal in their capacity to stall progress and personal growth.
The philosopher Heraclitus said the only constant in life is change. We could argue for or against that for a long time, but the more useful questions are personal ones: do I have a purpose, mission, goals or dreams in my life? And have I achieved them all yet? If not, then change is required, whether in the form of learning, circumstance, sacrifice, self-development, relationships, discovery or experience. And tendencies stemming from our innate human nature are not eventualities: we can decide, we can choose. Exercising that choice is what individual freedom means.
Excuses are really deceptions
An excuse tells a lie, either from yourself to yourself or from yourself to someone else. What I find interesting is that excuses used as a deception towards someone else are very rarely effective, because that person likely already knows it’s a deception. “Sorry, I have to cancel tonight because I got home late, the traffic was bad, I have a headache and my dog needs to be walked” translates, in the other person’s mind, to “I don’t feel like coming to see you today.” They feel deceived, even if only subconsciously.
Excuses avoid the fear of conflict
One of the main fears excuses try to avoid is interpersonal conflict – or rather the risk of potential or perceived conflict before it even occurs. By avoiding a conversation that might require taking a position or making an assertion, that conversation never happens and nothing can be learned or resolved. An unspoken void is left in place, which both parties are likely aware of and neither wishes to address. Ironically, the void itself represents a conflict and a feeling of tension that never resolves. Yet such conversations can be very productive: conducted with honesty and openness, they relieve tension and strengthen trust.
Honesty with yourself leads to personal growth
The more destructive version of the excuse is the lie you direct at yourself. “I’m not going to volunteer for that presentation because I’ll probably screw it up and make a fool of myself” is at least an honest excuse; you’re not hiding the reason for the avoidance. “I’m not going to do the presentation because I have a headache” might be a dishonest one where the excuse hides the real reason for avoidance. Ask yourself what the honest reason for the excuse actually is. That’s the first step towards being able to choose change rather than avoid it.
And this is how excuses don’t actually exist. Choice can invalidate just about any excuse. Paired with honesty, excuses simply vanish, replaced by opportunity and possibility. It comes down to being honest with others, and with yourself.
How to make an excuse vanish
An excuse can’t exist if you simply state with honesty why you are making a choice, or why you’re not making it. That’s respectful towards yourself as well as others, and it opens up opportunity. Compare “I can’t do the presentation, I have a headache” with “I’d rather not do that presentation because I don’t think I’ll be good at it.” The honest version invites a response like “That’s okay, why don’t we work on it together and practise until you’re comfortable?” That response, and that outcome, may never exist if the excuse is presented instead, and nothing would change about the fears around presenting.
One important note: you are the only one who has the power to invalidate your excuses. Other people can’t successfully invalidate them for you.
What about legitimate excuses?
You may be thinking that some excuses are really quite legitimate. “I can’t do the exercise class today because I sprained my ankle” sounds legitimate, but even this one is an illusion, and choice offers two ways through it. The first is honesty: “Because I sprained my ankle, I choose to rest today instead of being active.” Notice the difference between “choose” and “can’t”. One gives you power and opportunity; one takes it away. The second is adaptation: attend the class and do something active while seated, or stand with crutches, or simply watch and visualize. Adaptation lets progress continue even when a strong “excuse” is present, and it’s a powerful skill in its own right.
Stand up to your own excuses
Finally, try treating an excuse as an argument with yourself. A voice in your head is trying to convince you of something that won’t serve your own goals, so challenge it. When the voice says “I’m not going to finish that document today because I feel tired and unmotivated,” you can answer it: “I hear that I’m tired. I’m going to finish the document anyway, and then decide how I feel.” And when lack of energy or lethargy is part of the excuse, you might try challenging your excuse more energetically: “You can’t tell me how to feel! Let me show you what motivation looks like!” You have more influence over the way you feel at any given moment than the excuse suggests, and exercising that influence is how you come to feel truly free in your own life. That’s when the possibilities, the opportunities and the motivation start multiplying.
Things outside your control will always influence how you feel. But every excuse you let creep in hands some of your personal power and freedom to the outside influence. Making choices also means becoming responsible for them – and perhaps that’s one more thing excuses quietly do: shield you from the risk of taking on responsibility in your own life. Rejecting that shield is a good place to start. I feel that you deserve full control over the course of your life and your ability to succeed, prosper and find happiness. Do you feel that way too?